My boyfriend caught me masturbating after I turned down sex. He is now in a mood and says that he feels rejected.
I told him that to me sex and masturbating are different – just because I didn’t want to have sex with him that day didn’t mean that I didn’t want to have an orgasm. I just wanted something quick and easy.
He said that he would never say no to having sex with me and then masturbate instead. He would always choose sex with me. How do I explain myself? Or is this wrong of me?
Lucy Rowett, a sexologist and sex coach, says:
First you are completely right in that sex and masturbation are very different – it’s a different experience not just physically but emotionally and mentally too. Masturbation is when you can completely focus on yourself, your body, and your pleasure, without needing to think about anybody else. Sometimes you just want to quickly scratch and itch, other times you want to take all the time you need.
I have no doubt you love and care about your boyfriend, but sex with him is a very different experience. You need to be attuned to him and yourself. It isn’t better or worse than partnered sex, it’s just different, so please remember that you haven’t done anything wrong.
That said, we all create different meanings out of sex and masturbating and it could be that you both have created different meanings. It could be that your boyfriend feels that the only “real” sex is partnered sex and that masturbating is only something you do when you can’t get the “real” thing – which is a super common belief.
We also have sex and masturbate for many different reasons – many of them emotional. Whether it’s to feel relief, to let go, to feel sexy, to feel loved and desired. A 2007 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, found over 237 reasons why people want to have sex. That’s a lot! We create so many meanings out of sex, and many problems couples think are to do with sex are actually the meaning they are making out of it.
It could be that he was really looking forward to intimacy with you because he wanted to feel close to you. He could have been stressed, feeling lonely, or just really wanted to feel loved, all of which are totally valid reasons. And so he took your refusal and then masturbating as a hard rejection and he felt hurt. This is not to say that you did anything wrong, or that his feelings of hurt aren’t also valid. It could have brought up old insecurities or memories for him, or general beliefs like, “I’m not good enough for you”. This is for him to take responsibility for himself, but often we don’t realise what’s going on within us and so project it onto our partners.
That said, think about the pattern of intimacy you have together. Are you avoiding him or pulling away more often? Is there stress happening in your life where you need more alone time? Or is there a pattern going on in your relationship where you aren’t having needs met or there’s a communication problem? This isn’t to say that you are wrong for masturbating, it’s just worth thinking about if he could be picking up on something else or if this could be a sign of another issue you’re having too.
I’m curious how much you have explained to him exactly how masturbating is different for you, can you pinpoint that for yourself? Is it that you know you will get an orgasm? A quick orgasm? Or is it that you don’t need to worry about him? Or you can go into your own head? I recommend finding a time when you’ve both simmered down and aren’t feeling so triggered and talking to him about it.
Ask him with genuine curiosity what came up for him, how he felt, and what hurt him. Ask if there’s anything he’s worried about in your relationship. Then listen, really listen. Because it may not be about the fact you masturbated at all, it could have a very different meaning to him.
Check in as to whether you’re both happy with the sex you’re having, and if both of you are having your sexual needs met. Again, it is your responsibility to understand what your own needs are and then communicate that. Do not expect your boyfriend to read your mind.
In general, how much do you hide masturbating from your boyfriend? It’s super common to do this because we can get worried about hurting our partner’s feelings, so I have an alternative suggestion– show him your toys, show him how you touch yourself, tell him what masturbating means to you, and invite him to tell you how he masturbates. He probably masturbates too, maybe he feels like he has to hide it too. What if you could create a relationship where you are totally open about masturbating? Believe me, it can create a lot more trust and intimacy.
It is not only completely normal to masturbate in a loving relationship but actually very healthy too. It can actually help with your libido and desire for sex, especially for women.
Instagram: @lucylurowett
As told to Marianne Power
