I’m a disgrace, you’re a disgrace, your friend’s a disgrace, we’re all a disgrace actually. How dare we not reply to our friends on WhatsApp. It’s the rudest thing – it’s unkind, it’s self-centred and it needs to stop.
Everyone does it. It’s something we laugh and boast about. “Oh, I’ve got 150 unread messages.” You’re a bellend, actually. You don’t deserve a phone, let alone friends. By the way, I’m as guilty as the next person. As long as the next person has friends. We know it’s wrong. We know it’s horrible to be left hanging, and yet we still do it.
Let’s dig into why we do this, shall we? The main reason is that phones have become a complete f***ing nightmare. Our whole life is on them and because of this, our phones contain every distraction known to man. Every song in the world, every film ever made, every item in every shop, every single famous person, every reality star, every reality star’s podcast, every reality couple’s couple podcast about how random it is being a couple.
Not to mention all those photos of your dog/boyfriend/brunch, all news stories ever published, a constant reminder on your banking app of how much everything costs because the country is on its knees economically. Oh yeah and after all of that, you might remember to message back your mate Sam who wants to know when you’re around next week.
We are awful human beings. Attend to Sam first. That’s a person. And as good as endless videos of thick twats driving their BMW 1 Series into flooded underpasses are – and they are really good – they can wait. Sam would really appreciate it if you replied.
I absolutely love farting around on social media. It’s a huge part of my job, and it’s probably how lots of you found out that I wrote things like this, but we really do need to recalibrate a bit. Ignore the groups by the way, they don’t count. I’m just concerned that we’re missing out on our actual friends. Think about the amazing people you genuinely love who are also just mindlessly sitting on their phones scrolling through what is essentially a load of shite that has been designed to get you addicted.
That said, I’m strongly against people telling you to get off your phone. That brigade often forgets that so much good can come out of it. Phones are incredible portals for finding out about the world, reading articles written by smart people you’d never have been able to find so easily 10 years ago. I’m not even suggesting that we cut out a good scroll every now and then. That’s how I discover some of my favourite new things.
But maybe it’s a question of sorting out our priorities. Phones are all of those great things but let’s not forget that everyone we’ve ever met are also just there, perhaps longing for a meaningful conversation. Or actually, not even meaningful. At the very least, send them some memes for god’s sake.
I find myself commenting on posts of people I barely know, and in the meantime, loads of people I actually know are waiting for a reply. That sucks. I’m writing this piece because I’ve caught myself doing it far too often and this is me calling myself out. It’s also an apology to all the people I said I was too busy to reply to. I was busy but in the moments I had to myself, I should have replied to people I know and not sat around watching videos of other people’s dogs. Or even gone downstairs and looked at MY DOG.
Just to be clear, this isn’t me saying that everyone should be replied to immediately – we shouldn’t ever feel that level of guilt – but more than a few days is a bit of a pisstake. This is just a reminder to me to get my inbox cleared by arranging a catch up, or at least say I haven’t got the brainspace or time right now to catch up, please excuse me while I dive into old videos of The Rock that the algorithm knows I live for.
One last thing I’ll offer up: it’s probably quite a good idea every now and then to remember why phones were created in the first place – so we could speak to people. We’ve all become scared of talking to our friends on the phone, but it doesn’t have to be a formal chat for an hour. You can have an amazing five-minute conversation with someone and it will mean so much more than a series of dull texts.
Because my radio show features so many callers, it’s something that hasn’t fallen out of my life. I love a good chat on the phone, but so many people are terrified of it now. When I first called Bella early on in our relationship, she answered suspiciously with “What are you doing?”. I now call her every day as soon as the show finishes to see if she’s up. It’s my favourite time of the day. I still think she sort of hates it.
Greg James presents BBC Radio 1’s breakfast show
