Some may greet the launch of a new chore calculator with delight, others with dread. (I secretly think my husband does more skivvying than I do, so I won’t be mentioning it.) The tool launched by Starling Bank invites couples to “share the load”. Each partner details their hours of toil, and both receive “a breakdown and comparison of your unpaid household work.” Meanwhile, this year’s British Social Attitudes survey revealed that 63 percent of women believe they do more than their share of the Cinderella-ing.
Squabbles over how to stack the dishwasher – or the fact there is a dishwasher and plates don’t fly into it themselves – are the least of it. Labour division is a messy issue and if unaddressed, the resentment can destroy your marriage. While I know that my horrid habit of leaving used floss by the sink often makes my husband hate me, he’s quick to complain, and I instantly amend my ways, at least until the next time. Meanwhile, I don’t harangue him about never, ever shutting a cupboard door.
So we muddle along, but I think what matters is we both feel fine about who does what. It’s important. Couple therapist and former divorce lawyer Joanna Harrison, author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters, says: “There’s nothing more corrosive to a relationship than one person feeling they do more. I’ve worked on divorces where a woman feels she’s been labouring for a long time unrecognised.”
Happily, there’s no need for matters to deteriorate that far. Not only is it possible to stop the rows, if you can negotiate domestic arrangements to suit you both, says Harrison, “it has the potential to be quite romantic”. That is, attending to the duties that you know your partner detests, when you can, shows you care. Evidence shows it is sexy when a man does the washing up, she says. You heard!
Talk, don’t nag
Cooking, cleaning, childcare: so everyday and mundane, we assume it needs no discussion, says Harrison. In fact, “it needs constant negotiation”.. If we don’t talk, tensions arise and we only communicate through argument. “Have conversations about the work getting done. If you really listen to each other and acknowledge the different things you do, that creates goodwill.”
In a “nagging setting” you get defensive, so engage when you’re relaxed, and can talk productively about why you had a tantrum about a towel left on the floor. Harrison says: “If couples had conversations about what matters to them, what their expectations are, what really bothers them, not in the heat of the moment, they could learn a lot about each other.” Describe too what these things mean to you. “You might have a nice association with it being tidy because that’s how it was when you were little and you felt safe.”
Doing the washing up is an act of love
Chore-wise, it’s impossible to get your partner to care exactly as you do. That’s okay. No one has to be ‘right’. In fact, digging in your heels because you’re ‘right’ is unwise, says Harrison. So perhaps one person is happy to leave the bin until rubbish is piled high, dense as mercury. The other wants to empty it sooner. The bin-leaver has a choice. “I’ll do it how you want to do it,” or “I’ll do my best to do it,” or – oh dear – “I’ll do it my way because my way is right.”
If you wish to remain happily married, better to be understanding than self-righteous. Becoming more attuned to your spouse’s needs should be a mutual aim. “In a healthy relationship, that is something you should have an exchange about.” Also it’s helpful to comprehend your partner’s rage about a tiny thing like you forgetting the milk. There may already be a sense of not being respected or listened to. “The plates left on the side, the bin not emptied, can reflect back the feeling someone might have at a deeper level of not being cared about.”
Don’t be sanctimonious because you’re neat
People often think being ‘tidy’ gives them the moral high ground, says Harrison. “But so what?” This attitude makes any issue harder to resolve. “You’ve got to find a way of living with each other.” Better to accept that you’re different, with different attitudes, and to work out how you make the best of it. She says: “Being in a relationship is about grappling with each other’s differences and learning to be accommodating.” Sometimes, we do have to concede. Alternately, “if it means so much to you that it’s done a certain way, you might have to do it yourself”.
When it comes to sex, chores matter
Surprise! It’s more usual for Harrison to see women overburdened. And according to recent research, “women’s desire goes down when they do more of the chores”. She says: “I do see that resentment about this gets in the way of people feeling loving to each other.” Both might make an effort to become more conscious of their attitudes towards housework.
You might ask, “What have I learned from my parents?” Habits and beliefs from childhood are often deep-rooted. “When we understand the setting that the other has grown up in in relation to chores, it can help us be more compassionate,” she says. Change the template to what suits you, not the last generation, and enjoy that. “You can do the thing that really works for your partner.” When a couple is managing the chores well, it creates positive feeling. “When it comes to sex, the chores matter.”
Having children is a flashpoint
When couples become parents this issue blows up, says Harrison, because domestically there’s so much more to manage. Plus, “the transition into parenthood can feel messy and chaotic”. If the house looks chaotic too, that “can create its own tension. Things can feel a bit out of control”. And often, the mother is doing more, which might be a change. Never take what your partner does for granted. There are so many things in a family, she says, “which aren’t noticed if they do get done, do get noticed if they aren’t done”.” Change that. “If that isn’t acknowledged and felt to be valued it can cause resentment.”
Stop obsessing about fairness
It is important for couples to talk about all contributions both make, especially “invisible” work, says Harrison. All the jobs each does should be aired. “Both people always feel they do things the other doesn’t know they’re doing, holding responsibility for, or worrying about.” It’s helpful to metaphorically lay it all out. “Not in a defensive ‘I do more than you’ way” – just, now we can better think about how to help each other.
If something feels unfair, discuss, but a preoccupation with “fairness” isn’t helpful, as reality is more complex. “Becoming obsessed with who does more and how to get it equal is less likely to breed goodwill than acknowledging where one person has to do a bit more,” says Harrison. “Recognition and acknowledgement is important. You hope for swings and roundabouts, and an attitude that everyone’s doing their best.” It’s more conducive to intimacy to say, “I’m sorry you have to do this” than “it’s only fair you do it because I do this!”
What if one partner does the fun chores?
Couples often settle into who does what. Whether you’re content with the status quo, or piqued that they do the ‘fun’ chores like cooking, and you the endless clearing up, what’s important is that nothing should be set in stone, says Harris. When I confess I never take out the rubbish, as I once hurt my back lifting it(!), she says, “Maybe if you’re strong enough one day, you could surprise your husband and he’d love that.” Meanwhile, rather than complain about what your partner doesn’t do, keep showing appreciation for what they habitually do. “I really like the fact you take out the bin. Thank you.”
